dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
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