He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Randomize
