his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
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