If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
Randomize
