a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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