What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
Randomize
