how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
Randomize
