How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
