you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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