Viking lives by an ancient code of honor that we do not understand.
What code could that possibly be? Bothering the fucking shit out of people while being physically repulsive?
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Randomize
