hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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