drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
Let's create a 16 and pregnant drinking game
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
