just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
Randomize
