I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
Randomize
