I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
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