I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
