The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
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I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
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Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
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