I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
Randomize
