Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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