You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
Both
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
