Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
I wear drunk well.
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
Randomize
