can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
What do they do with the elephants that die at the zoo
Cremation, why do you ask?
I think we have a bit of a problem
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
