I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
Randomize
