im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
