There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
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