and i looked up. we had an audience...
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
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