I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
By connection do you mean me drunkenly grinding my ass on his lap for an extended period of time? If so, then yes, we had a "connection"
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
Randomize
