i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
