I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
Randomize
