Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
Randomize
