I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
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