Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
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