DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
Its about making memories worth repressing
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
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