I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
