I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Randomize
