Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
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