I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
