I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
Randomize
