Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
