If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Randomize
