Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
