I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
Randomize
