some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Randomize
