just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
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You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
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I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
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