I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Randomize
