1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
My ass is underappreciated
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
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