I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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