the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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