he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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