i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
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