Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
Randomize
