Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
