I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
Why are your pants in the freezer?
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
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