make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
Naked. naked and bneed help.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
Randomize
