I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
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