you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize
