ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
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