I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Last time i carry you out of a forest
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Randomize
