I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
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