I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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