Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Randomize
