He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
Randomize
