I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Randomize
