they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
